Solo Episode #1...Jealousy has haunted my friendships, my family, and my lovers. Let's talk about it?

Hey, it's Quincy- Welcome to Cocoon After Dark. Tonight it's just you and me in a solo episode where I'm getting raw about jealousy.

From friendship to lovers- jealousy has haunted so many corners of my life. Sometimes it was my own, sometimes it was directed at me, but it always left an indelible mark.

LGBTQ love and jealousy are as real as it is in heterosexual relationships, and that's why I'm talking about why freedom is the sexiest loyalty there is and how that trust deepens intimacy and desire.

In this episode, I dive into the moments where jealousy became a problem, the way it quietly erodes trust, corrodes intimacy, and why I believe freedom and trust are the biggest and sexiest antidotes we have. This one's vulnerable, it's unfiltered, and it might just make you rethink how you hold- or let go of_ the people you love and truly live in the moment.

Transcript

quincy-solo-episode-8-22-25--she-her-_2_08-22-2025_120746: 0:01

Hey, it's Quincy. Welcome back to Cocoon After Dark. This is going to be a solo episode, and I'm gonna be talking about jealousy. And the reason I'm talking about jealousy is because there has been. So many different times in my life, in friendships, in family relationships, in sort of straight relationships, if you will, and definitely female to female lesbian relationships in my life where jealousy has become a problem. So I, I don't know, I can't even. Really remember the earliest days that I probably felt jealous, but it probably was around the age of 10 that I started discovering that I was probably not. What the world calls now straight versus a lesbian back then. So I did have a lot of jealousy around if my friends who were these girls that I actually ended up having crushes on would talk to other girls, would eat lunch with them. And God forbid they hung out with each other on the weekend. And I'm 10, so I'm feeling like all of this. Angst and things like that. But I also had lots of other friends to choose from. So I feel like even though I was jealous, I would go on my merry way and do something else, have a sleepover at someone else's house or whatever. But then as I got older and. Not that many boys in high school wanted anything to do with me because, quote unquote, when I went to my first class reunion, or actually it was my second class reunion, so that would've been my 20 year class reunion, they said they were afraid of me. And I was like, what? Why are you guys afraid of me? And by that time I had already come out, I'd had, two children and have, and still have a great relationship with my ex-husband. And I said, why would you guys be scared of me? And they said, oh,'cause you were dating guys in college and all these other things. I don't know if I was dating guys in college because it was easier or if I was dating guys in college because they were much more secure in their metro Sexualness if you will. Like one was a gymnast and his best friend was a gymnast and there his girlfriend was a gymnast. And we would get together and do gymnast type things, if and it was really fun and I had the maturity to hang with it and my parents. Were, thank gosh, very willing to have me have this relationship. One because he was older and they trusted him, but they also believed that because he was going to UCLA, that he was super smart and, going off to this great career and all these things that he was like a safe space in which he was like an amazing person. But I then got into a relationship after that and I became very jealous because my boyfriend wanted to have sex and be with this woman that was much older than I was. Like, I'm 18, 19 years old, and this woman is in her thirties and most 18 and 19 year olds. Maybe it's not so much now, but definitely then in the eighties, 18 and 19 year olds and 30 year olds were like. Decades apart, and I don't mean two decades, 40 to 50 decades apart. Like I thought to myself, how is it that me, this young, tight pussy, no wrinkles, never had a baby like young, vibrant, let's play all this time, could had to compete with someone in their thirties. And it really bothered me. What is it I'm lacking? Obviously I'm lacking life experience, but the person I was dating had just got out of college. So even for him, this person was much, much older than he was. And man, was I jealous of that woman. Like crazy jealous. I even did a really wild thing. I called their house'cause I had heard that she was sick and her daughter answered the phone. And I said, oh, hi. I just wanted to check on Mommy. Is she doing okay? And I said, I wanna send her flowers. What's your address? Tell your children never ever to give their address. I drove to the house of this woman that my boyfriend was having sex with, and when I got there, unbeknownst to me. The husband answered the door and he answered the door. And if you guys see this on camera, you'll see my body posture. But he answers the door and he looks at me and he goes, Hey. And I said, hi. Do you know who I am? And he goes, I can probably guess who you are. And I'm thinking to myself, has she like told her husband that she's having sex with my boyfriend or what? So he says, are you Quincy? And I said, actually, I am. Now, remember. I am 18, maybe 19 years old when this happens. He says, come in. And I'm like, oh, okay. And I'm like, where is she? And he goes, oh, she's out right now. And he goes, why are you here? And I said one, your daughter gave me your address. Please talk to her about that.'cause that's really dangerous. Thank God it was me and no one else. And I said, and two, I wanted to ask her like, what the hell lady? And just as people know that are jealous, I would rather be prepared and be jealous than not be prepared, right? I need to know what happened so I can put it together in my brain. This is the way it happened. This is why you're attracted to her. And probably also because I probably. Knew that I would like the opportunity to have sex with a woman in her thirties when I'm 18 or 19 years old, trust me. That's probably an absolutely what I was thinking, but I did not process that at the time. It was more just like, how can he choose someone else that's way older than me? Based on what are, would be stereotypical norms, right? Young, no attachments, blah, blah, blah. And anyway, the story ends with, she comes home, she says basically, oh shit, when she walks in the door and I was like, Hey, you guys need to work this out. Obviously I'll work this out when I get home. But please this isn't cool either you leave your husband and I'm totally gonna leave this dude, or let's just all agree to stay out of each other's lives and that's how it ended as far as I know. And we aren't together anymore, so who knows? Maybe they've hooked up since then or whatever, but. It's a double edged sword, right? Because you want someone to be jealous of you. It makes you feel wanted and sexy and all these good like romantic feelings. You almost want them to make you feel like they own you a little bit, right? But I got to the point through all of my therapies and then, officially coming out and having to deal with that whole situation, which definitely is another podcast or two, or three or four. But I got to this point where I had so much therapy and I became so secure in myself and what I had to offer and what I thought and where I'd been and things that I achieved and just all these different things that I became. Not jealous at all. Not jealous at all. And one of my very best friends, her husband was the same way. And she said, why isn't he jealous? Like it makes me nuts that he's not jealous. And I said why do you want him to be jealous? She goes,'cause I want him. I wanna feel like he wants me. And I was like I'm sure he does, but I know he probably is secure enough to feel like you are going to stay with him. So anyway, I thought about that a lot and. Even in my therapy, I don't know how to be jealous anymore. If we are out and you just, for whatever reason, say something funny or look at me a certain way, or I can smell your perfume, or you just look like hot tonight, I'm gonna walk over and I'm gonna kiss you. I don't care who you're talking to, I'm going to hold you whatever it is. But it's not necessarily. Jealousy to me it's lest it's want. It's oh, this girl is mine, kind of thing. But when you're the receiver it's another story when you are the receiver of jealousy for, to me, which is. For no reason. It really is hard to navigate because you cannot, no matter what you do, you cannot make that person feel secure and they will say it's your fault, but it's not because your personality as someone who has someone be jealous, right? Over and over again, and this is with many relationships, even when I was with guys, is that I'm a very friendly, talkative person. To me that is not flirting.'cause I know the difference between me flirting and me just being friendly and talking to someone. They are categorically different because it's the way I look at you. My eyes are much more like fluttery and almost like I'm addressing you with my eyes versus if I'm just talking to you and I'm friendly, which guys never get this right, those freaking idiots. Sometimes I'm just like, dude, what makes you think my face looks like I'm interested in you? Like I basically look like I just been into a lemon when we're talking because I can feel you like going towards me. And I'm like, I am not attracted to men. I am not attracted to men. They are beautiful some and that's great, but that's as far as it goes. And I just feel like when someone keeps thinking that everything that you do, they need to be jealous about you. Just start fighting constantly with yourself even when they're not around. You're fighting with yourself. Like, why do I have to change myself so much to make you feel better? And obviously therapy and many conversations with people is, it's all them, right? It's all them. But still, what about those of us that keep, getting, punched or stabbed or whatever, metaphorically, of course, by people that just can't. Find it in their hearts to work on why they're jealous. And I've been with people where, yeah, I know you're jealous'cause you were cheated on before. I'm not gonna cheat on you. The more you control me, the more I am secretive and not on purpose, but because I'm like, wow, if you're jealous of me doing zero, how jealous are you gonna be if I do. 20% or 40% or 50% of something, like I tell you, I'm gonna go on a hike with one of my friends I've known for close to 20 years and never hooked up them when I'm single and never hooked up with them ever. Why do I wanna hook up with them now when I'm with you? Like it just, it has no common sense to it. And. A hike is for exercise. A hike is to talk to somebody without freaking phones, TVs, cars, servers, kids, anything coming into your zone of meeting of the minds, right? This person has known me for years. There's so many things we can talk about. I'm not gonna hook up with that person. Or you meet new people and you come home and you say, oh my gosh, I met these two moms at the school. Or I met these ladies at the coffee shop, or whatever. They were so great instant jealousy. Why? Tell me why? Because it can destroy you. It can destroy everything in relationship faster than actual fighting can because now I'm walking around feeling like, God, don't even look at that person because you're gonna get in trouble. Or don't say that. Like you wanna have your friends over for dinner.'cause now they're gonna think you have a crush on one of your friends or something. And it, it's such a battle and I've lost relationships because of this. And it really, it breaks my heart. It literally breaks my heart. One time I was at a party and I was newly dating this person and. Honestly, I know what was up their rear now, but at the time I was like, oh my gosh. But anyway, we're at this party and they're, we're sitting there, I'm meeting all these new people. I know no one but this person and had met a couple of their friends previously. And she comes and she sits by me and she starts listening to the conversation that I'm having with this other person. By the time the person finished and said, and it was a woman, she said, okay, I'm gonna go. Get snacks or drink or whatever. She said, the woman I was dating turned around and looked at me and said, why were you talking to her for so long? And I'm like, one, we've gone on three or four, maybe five dates, and I'm already not allowed to talk to somebody else. And I was like I don't know. Like I don't know anyone else at the party. You were with your friends. I was just sitting here. This person came and sat down and we chatted and you heard the conversation, like there was nothing. Wrong with the conversation. And she goes why didn't you tell them what you did for work? And I said, because I don't like to talk about that with strangers. That's not my thing. I'd rather say, Hey, where'd you travel to last summer? Or, where did you grow up? And did you play sports in school? Or were you an actor or a, something like that. Like those are the things I wanna know about people. I don't care what you do for work.'cause most people. Probably don't even like the fricking work that they do. So what do I care what you do? Only Sue can complain about it. The things people aren't gonna complain about and are going to enlighten me is where they travel to, what kind of restaurants they like to go to. Those are the conversations I wanna have. Are any of those conversations flirty? No, they are not. But I was watching call her Daddy. Podcast last night actually with oh God, I'm drawing a blank right now. Glennon Doyle and her wife, which, why can't I remember? Oh Rapino, God, what is her name? Anyway, that everyone, we know who she is, the soccer player, and I'm so sorry, I forgot your name, please pardon my error. But they were talking about jealousy and. She said that jealousy was something that has this deeper layer, and she was willing to give Glennon the grace of having access to her phone and her email and all of these things because she knew there was something in Glennon that made her eggs. My phone just fell, made her suspicious of things that she was doing. And the, it all happened because she was getting out of the shower and Glennon was looking at her phone and they were completely, both of them. Mortified. Mortified. And she looks at Glennon and she says, do you want my passwords to my email too, babe? She didn't get mad, she didn't say anything'cause of her own therapy and her sobriety and things like that. She said, I didn't feel the need to be defensive or combative, or, what the fuck are you doing looking at my phone kind of thing. She literally just gave her that grace, and I feel like I've given people that grace, like here's the, here's my phone. Look at it. Here's the text message between what actually happened and what you think happened. It's all right here, like here, and I screenshot it and send it to them, and they're still mad. Because what they think in their head is going on is the story they tell themselves. And that story and that anxiety and that uncertainty and that self that almost self-fulfilling pro prophecy that I know this person is gonna cheat on me. So you work through it, you work through it, you work through it, but you're actually not working through it because they're not changing the person that is jealous of you. Is not changing, going to therapy together. I have no idea if that works or not because the couple of times I suggested therapy with previous exes was, Nope, don't want to not worth it to me, not willing to go and sit there about it. One of them did come with me to therapy about jealousy and their anger issues, and they walked out of therapy. And then they said to the therapist in a group chat, I'm not doing this anymore. So either I'm choosing people that don't wanna grow, or I am not sensing soon enough that when you fall in love with me, you fell in love with me because of the way I am. Because of the way I treat you, because of the way that I love you, because of the way I take care of you, because of the way I have fun with you, because of my spontaneity, because of all these other things. If you want me to stay that person, you have to let me stay that person. Because as soon as you start putting on the choker, the brick, the shackles, I. I'm going to completely just do whatever the fuck I want, and that's usually what people will say about me. Quincy's gonna do whatever she wants, so just beware. I'm gonna do whatever I want because that is what I want for you to do too. Do whatever you want. If you are going to cheat on me, yes, we're not gonna be together. If you wanna have an open relationship, we can talk about that. I'm probably gonna say yes, but if those are the things that you want, just talk to me. But I'm not going to keep you from being who you are. If you wanna travel with your friends and not me, go travel with your friends, because when you come back, man, are you sexy and hot when you've had time to be yourself? But I also want those same things. So anyway, that was just a rant about jealousy. Let me know. What you guys have experienced. And if there's somebody out there that wants to come on the show and share their experience in their lesbian or gay relationships about jealousy and how it ended or how you worked through it, I would love to have you on as a guest. But anyway, everyone have a fabulous weekend. It's Friday in LA and it is so hot. That is why I'm filming out here because the room. The studio area that I've set up for myself in my house is blazing hot because it's facing the sun. And the other room where I would record is right next to the air conditioning unit. So that's why I'm out here. It's nice and cool. I have to go pick up my kids soon. We get outta school early on Fridays. Woo have a great weekend everybody. Talk to you soon. Bye.