Cocoon After Dark
There’s a certain kind of story we only tell in the dark.
The kind that lingers. The kind we’ve carried in silence. The kind that needs soft lighting, no interruptions, and someone who won’t flinch.
Welcome to Cocoon After Dark—I’mQuincy Tessaverne, and this is a space for truth-telling that’s tender, textured, and unapologetically queer.
Each week, we sit with voices—mostly Black, brown, LGBTQ+—who’ve lived through things that don’t always fit into polite conversation.
We talk identity, pleasure, boundaries, grief, reinvention, and the moments that changed everything.
This isn’t small talk. It’s soul talk.
So take what you need. Leave what you don’t. And listen with your whole body.
Cocoon After Dark
Conscious Connections in Queer Dating with Elise Braunschweiger
In this episode of Cocoon After Dark, the host is joined by Elisa Braunschweiger, founder of Queer Conscious Connections, a matchmaking and coaching service for the LGBTQ community. They discuss the challenges of dating beyond heteronormative scripts, focusing on identity, timing, safety, and the value of being seen in one’s truth. Elisa shares insights on creating intentional, grounded connections for lesbians and queer individuals. The conversation covers various topics such as generational differences in labels like 'lesbian' and 'queer,' the impact of COVID-19 on dating behaviors, the role of bars and events versus apps in queer dating culture, and the unique challenges faced by LGBTQ individuals in smaller towns. Personal anecdotes, considerations for dating readiness, and a success story from Elisa's matchmaking experience underscore the potential for healing and finding meaningful relationships at any age.
Elise Braunschweiger is the Founder & CEO of Queer Conscious Connections, a matchmaking and date coaching agency that specializes in services for the LGBTQIA+ community. As a lesbian herself, and after several years working in management for an award-winning, international matchmaking firm, Elise saw a desperate need for dating services that were created by and for queer people. QCC aims to help anyone, regardless of their sexual orientation, gender identity, or relationship status, achieve a more enriching and satisfying love life - and, hopefully, enjoy the journey along the way.
Queer Conscious Connections offers personalized 1:1 date coaching and bespoke matchmaking services. As a matchmaking agency, QCC is constantly seeking commitment-ready daters who might be open to being considered as a match for their clients (at no cost). If this sounds like you, we’d love to have you join our database to be considered on an ongoing basis for free introductions.
Insta: https://www.instagram.com/yourdatingcopilot/
https://linktr.ee/CocoonAfterDark
Hi, everyone. Welcome to Cocoon After Dark Dating in the LGBT community is never just about swipes or surface chemistry. It's about identity, timing, safety, and the radical act of being seen in your truth. On this episode, I'm joined by Leash Brown Schweiger, founder of Queer Conscious Connections, a matchmaking and coaching space designed specifically for L-G-B-T-Q people. Elise helps lesbians, gay men, and queer folks stepped into intentional dating, the kind that honors identity and leads to connection that's alive, grounded, and real. Together we'll explore what it means to find love outside of heteronormal of scripts. Let me ncee that, heteronormative scripts and how conscious connections can change the way we love and live. So welcome to the show. I have a couple warmup questions for you. The first one is, what is your biggest kink?
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_1_09-25-2025_111141:My biggest kink, oh my goodness. What a fun warmup question for a podcast. I guess I love a little bit of power play, like love a little bit of dominant submission type. I think there's so many wonderful different containers that could exist in, it could even just be someone getting the chair for me or opening the car door, but love that. Love, love, a little bit of power play.
quincy--she-her-_1_09-25-2025_111141:Nice. What was your first crush?
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_1_09-25-2025_111141:My first crush, I, it's so funny looking back as someone who now dates women but had dated men, I had I went to a little German summer camp as a kid because I have a very German. Family and there was this like family friend named Saxton. And ironically I look back and I was like equally totally into his cousin, who was a girl. And yeah, thinking back on that is so funny to
quincy--she-her-_1_09-25-2025_111141:Did they look similar? Were they like the cousins that could be siblings kind of thing.
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_1_09-25-2025_111141:Totally. And what cracks me up too, and I've said this to my fiance now, is she looks so much like that girl.
quincy--she-her-_1_09-25-2025_111141:How cool.
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_1_09-25-2025_111141:I was like, if she had chopped her hair, you two would be identical. And so I guess my type stayed consistent.
quincy--she-her-_1_09-25-2025_111141:Oh my God, that is so cute. That is super cute. And then last warmup question, has there ever been a time where being. Lesbian now has changed the way that you react, like to what things that men say.
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_1_09-25-2025_111141:Yeah, it's been, so interesting'cause when I had a very early experience coming to understand that I was queer in my teens. And then when I was 18, I got into a long-term relationship with a man, got a house in the suburbs with him, a mortgage. We got engaged and it was really interesting, I think when I broke off that relationship and as an adult started dating women. And how, there's a difference between an internal queer experience and an external kind of lived experience as a queer person. And so I think understanding that being like an out gay person in a committed relationship with someone of the same sex is actually quite different than when I was less certain about my sexuality and just had some curiosity and experience with women. It's like. Being a lesbian now, which I do identify with that label it's almost like political. Like I, I really, I understand what people mean when they say there's a difference between queer and gay. And I think I fall more in that queer spectrum where it, it informs a lot of how I look at the world, especially in today's. Social political climate. So totally been a shift, I think. And also as a lesbian, just a constant decentering of men and understanding what that looks like and how it affects especially'cause I hear so many of my clients talk about it. And it's such an inversion, I think, in many ways of the social norms that are expected of us.
quincy--she-her-_1_09-25-2025_111141:my gosh. I'm so glad you said that because those were a couple of things that I wanted to talk about today so let's go there. Let's start with identity and labels, right? So do some lesbians, do you think they feel erased in queer dating spaces now?
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_1_09-25-2025_111141:Oh my goodness. Yeah, I think there's this very like sic queer woman, lesbian experience where something's labeled L-G-B-T-Q, but then when you peek behind the cupboards it's like this was made for like gay men and lesbians are welcome. And so I think there's in this consistent feeling of us being an afterthought. And so if there was a case. Space there was it wasn't totally catered to our needs or maybe it wasn't it wasn't marketed to our demographic, but we were welcome in and that definitely affects how those spaces are created and how much of a fit they feel for us. And so I think it's really interesting watching lesbians, as. Queerness, particularly for lesbian women, becomes more mainstream. I think when we look 10 years ago to now, it went from like Rosie O'Donnell and Ellen DeGeneres were the only representation to, now we have like celebrities like Renee Rap or Sophia Bush or Chapel Rone coming in and shaking things up and I think there's been a new push for lesbians to get more visibility, but that's definitely been a consistent sore spot for us, that there are very few events made for us. The apps don't really feel made for us. It's best often we're included, but it's not usually. Crafted for and by us. And so that was even like a big motivator for me in creating my company. I never really even wanted to be a business owner, but no one else was doing it. And I knew I had the skillset and so I thought, okay, I know that lesbians need this and I know I can do it. Let me give it a shot. And it's been so nice'cause absolutely the resounding feedback is, God, we need this. We really need a space for us. And by us.
quincy--she-her-_1_09-25-2025_111141:I love that younger people are bringing more awareness to it, but I also as a Gen X lesbian and other people that have been fighting this fight for such a long time are confused by queer, the word queer. So when you're, how do like the generational differences. Change when you are matchmaking at this point. So say I prefer to date people that are also Gen X just because I understand it more. And also because my daughter's in her thirties now and why would I date someone in their twenties? Because I always swore since she was in middle school that I wouldn't date somebody in her same like tenure. Like I can't date anyone in the thirties'cause she's in her thirties. I wouldn't date anyone now in their twenties because I'm much too old for them. So how do you decide to match people when they're saying, I wanna date a lesbian, but you're realizing that most or a lot of younger lesbians aren't using that term anymore. They're just using the word queer. And what sort of fear does the word naming yourself as queer versus lesbian bring up for sage and ex lesbians?
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_1_09-25-2025_111141:Oh, it's so interesting, like watching that term kind of shift. I think I am old enough that I remember when it was still like an inappropriate term to be used. And then there's almost like this reclamation that sort of happened and now it's like a really commonplace term. And it's funny'cause I've had folks older queer folks where I'm on a phone call with them. Maybe I use that term in passing and they say something, actually stop me and say something like, that's actually a bit triggering for me. Like I had one man say that's literally what my bullies used to say. So that doesn't feel resonant. And I think there's bo there's like an honoring of both people's experience. Like I totally respect that there's like a context and I think for some people, even like a physical response when they hear that word that's so different for, I think someone who's in their twenties where they just. Honestly are ignorant often to like how deep that runs for folks. And I think one thing queer folks would probably benefit from is doing more intergenerational talking to each other. I think we moved to a new city. I had some friends say to us, there's this woman in her seventies who's a lesbian. Would you wanna go have dinner with her? And we realized we had never even spoken with a 70-year-old lesbian, right? That's, she's, that's not always in our orbit, right? And so I think that there would be a real benefit to there someone in their twenties and someone your age sitting. And I find myself it's funny like in between, but sitting and really parceling that out because. One thing that the new generation is really keen on is like fluidity. They like the idea of keeping things open. I think for some folks that raises some questions especially lesbians, there's some language around you just have to find the right man. And so when we raise an issue of fluidity it, it can feel a little bit like. Maybe you could change in the future. Maybe you could date men in the future. And I think for some older queer or gay folks, lesbian folks, that feels icky too, where it's no, I know I'm gay. I know I'm a lesbian. It's not fluid for me. And so it's really interesting. I think that there's generally a paradigm shift happening in the L-G-B-T-Q community. I'll be curious, like in another 10 years where we all end up in terms of the language we're using. Some of how we're narrating that shift. I don't really know, but it's, I think it's really personal. So people's experience with some of that language and how we're trying to adjust, like the lexicon that even we use to describe ourselves. I think it's so personal
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:so I would just say that I think it's like an ever changing landscape, probably now more than ever. And I think the best we can do is respect that we do have different contexts for some of this language, and I think we'd all do really well to just listen a little bit and ask with some curiosity.'cause a big thing for me is, and I even talk to people about this I'll use whatever language feels good for you. And the younger generation, I think is trying to empower folks to do that. But I think there it's more complex and layered for people your age.
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:Yeah, I see that because not many people my age in all of my friendships that I have with lesbians and gay men, rarely if they're in my demographic, are they using queer, they're just not, they're gay or lesbian. And so when you're matching people and they are gen X or two Gen Zs or whatever people are calling their generations how do you ask them, rather than just age, how do you ask them about identity going forward? Like how much of your identity, not based around the word, but based around. Say your fluidity. Are you strict with when you want to match them with someone else? Does that make sense
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:No, I think I'm understanding, and I think in my head it's almost like two parts. So there's like, how do you want me to describe you? What language represents you? And then there's the purpose for matchmaking, right? And so for my purpose, all I need to understand is what genders you're comfortable and open to me. Discussing with you. And so I think something that's also been really interesting, and there's been a lot of debate around this, is there's some this is almost controversial, so honestly Quincy, I should be careful, but there's a lot of discussion around how flexible certain labels are. And I'll give you an example. There's some Gen Z groups who feel like I should be able to identify as a lesbian and still date trans men. I think Gen X in general, I think you guys had to almost get over such a higher mountain to come out that once you got there you were probably firmly in the lesbian camp. I would say my Gen Z'ers are less likely to show up as bisexual versus, and it's not to say they don't exist, they totally do, but it's actually like my younger folks are almost always gender open. I would say specifically younger, queer women tend to be really flexible, but I think that's also because they had less of a hurdle. So it's like, why not just be open? They didn't maybe face quite as much stigma. They didn't have to come out against the same hurdles that you guys might have. And so it's almost I wonder if there are Gen Z folks who fall. Somewhere else on the spectrum, but they weren't as motivated to make that push. Like how many Gen Z folks might feel very similarly in their sexuality to these young or these older people. And they're almost choosing to use more fluid language. And I wonder if some of it is, I don't know. This is honestly something I'm getting lost in my own thoughts, so bear with me. But I think it's really about, there's almost a difference from my end between how someone identifies and what I need to know from them in matching because there's a part where I need to pitch them correctly and authentically so that when if they do meet my client, that client feels like they understand them and vice versa. And there's also just understanding some of the practical parts. If you're a lesbian and you identify that way and you want me to refer to you that way, but you've marked yourself as open to trans men, let's talk about that. What does that look like for you? But it's been really interesting. I think generally speaking, there's a lot more fluidity and gray area with my younger folks than there is with my older folks who tend to be pretty clear as to what they're looking for and have a pretty certain image as to what a good match is for them.
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:So when you're matchmaking, what red flags tell you? Two people might not be right for each other, even if they really look good on paper. Everything lines up on paper, like you're in the, matchup financially, life experience, life goals, that sort of thing. But then you're like, whoa, this is not gonna work. How do you tell that from one conversation versus their paper application?
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:Yeah, so I would say there's definitely a logical part of matchmaking, an intuitive part of matchmaking. So sometimes I've spent six months with a client and I just know who's exciting to them. We've gone on dates, I've gotten feedback, and there might be like a intangible, like a sort of personality disposition, energy kind of thing that they're looking for where someone might be really interesting on paper, but they might just not have that sense of humor, charisma, they might just not match that sort of thing my client's looking for. I would say another thing that often comes up is like dating styles. So there are some clients of mine who, if I find my person tomorrow, we're going. Going to see each other regularly. We're gonna build towards a relationship. I wanna move in with'em. I, there's this I don't wanna say urgency, but they're really committed to the idea of building that relationship. And there are other folks who have a little bit of a foot on the break for whatever reason. And so if I have a client who, this actually just happened yesterday, where this client feels like over and over again, people are moving really slow with her. Like she's honestly got a point, like it's really slow. And I spoke with a match. We got through the whole call, both really excited to get them connected. And at the end, the match said something to me like, oh, and just a heads up with my schedule. I'm definitely like a once a week gal. That's how often you're gonna see me. And so I had to challenge like. Let's maybe take a pause here. Do we think it's a fit? Because that's actually, she's fine to do that for a month or two, but she would wanna see some progress. And honestly, the paper, like the form people submit, what they give me in terms of a starting point is often just that, a starting point because so much of what makes a good match for us is really abstract. And so I have to talk to you guys and talk through some of your preferences or how you're thinking about things to see if it really is compatible. Otherwise, it's very similar to a dating app, right? It's part of the benefit is having like an objective third party come in and mediate that a little bit.
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:So what percentage is your population, female or woman identifying versus male and male identifying?
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:Yeah. I actually honestly haven't pulled demographic information on that in a while, but I would venture to guess it's pretty. Significant in terms of the difference. So just to inform like a little bit about why that is, I definitely have niched and specialized in lesbian queer women by women matchmaking. And the reason for that is'cause there's virtually like no other agencies who do that, but those agencies are really happy to work with gay men. So I've spent a good portion of my career. The L-G-B-T-Q matchmaking I have done has almost entirely been gay men outside of the work that I've done with my own agency. And they have, they've just got ample room, like there's lots of spaces for them and honestly, they're really easy to recruit. And so I've had a couple gay men with me, we've had great memberships, but I would say probably 75%, 80% of my network is queer women. Some non-binary folks, trans folks in there. But it's definitely the case that my service has over time niched further and further into queer women.
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:And then what about age-wise? What's bringing people to you? In my, age gap where it's, everyone from 1978 to 1968 is Gen X, right? So are there a lot of people older than that, that were born before 1968 or what does it look like there?
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:I would say that it's like thirties to sixties is probably the majority of the people who are in my network. I think that it's pretty rare for someone under 35 to elect to use a matchmaker, and that's because it's a luxury service. And people who are more established in their careers and who might also just have the time and energy to really focus on dating, who might prioritize outsourcing to an expert. It tends to be people who are, let's say 45 plus. So I would actually say that most of my clients are maybe 45 to 65, and then a couple of ladies in their thirties maybe who really want children or have just done a lot in their career and don't have the time they'd like to in order to date. And I think honestly, the reason why they come to me versus a competitor one, again, there's not a ton out there. So there's, if you want a lesbian matchmaker, I'm one of the only people on the market. And two, I think there's a sort of each matchmaker's really personalized in terms of their approach. And so there's a sort of there was a very big difference in the kinds of clients that were attracted to the branding of my old agency versus the kinds of clients who were attracted to my branding. And I did that intentionally. So I think the people who tend to come to me are people who are really intrigued by self-development, cultivating self-awareness. There's kind of an intentionality component. Other matchmakers might prioritize a luxury feel, right? Or corporate feel even, some clients really respond to it feeling more businessy because it's so much of their world. And so I think it's pretty been pretty broad in terms of age range, but it's more like the values I'm noticing there's a through line in terms of who comes to me, which is lovely. Honestly. It's been fantastic'cause they really wanna do the work, which is great.
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:So how often then, if they're not doing the work, are you able to see that and just turn them away right away? Or say, why don't you go to this kind of therapy? Or what do you suggest when you see that they really need a lot of inner work?
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:Yeah. Oh my goodness. Such a good question. And when I worked at my old company, we did have an on staff therapist, and boy was that nice because they would comp sessions for me if I thought a client needed it. So I could actually say, this client's having a tough time, X, y, z pain point. I really think they need a session. And then I could go to the client and say, we need you to do a therapy session. I really think it's in your best interest. It's a little bit trickier when I don't have a therapist in my back pocket where I'd have to make a direct referral. I think that there's a lot of due diligence that matchmakers try to do at the front to make sure that the people we're working with are really ready for this that they're aligned with us and our methods and that it's a good match both for us and for them to just be a matchmaking client, right? Because not everyone should do matchmaking. I think, it's interesting because there's definitely things that, absolutely, there are things that come out on those early meetings, but what's even trickier to handle is when I have a client who's with me, signed, paid, and I'm observing as I'm sending them out on dates. So there's something here, there's an issue here. And my job is to advocate to strangers that they should meet these people. And so I I had a conversation with a client who was three months in, had a lot of rough feedback, and in fact, two women I had shown her profile to, had known of her and said, I'm not going on a date with her reputation. Definitely proceeded her on that one. And we just had to have a face-to-face conversation where I basically sat down with her and just said to her. This is the feedback I'm getting. This is some of what I'm hearing. I don't feel like I'm moving the needle for you. And so there's an element of it where if that's the hurdle we're hitting and I feel like they're not doing what they need to do, it's not gonna work for them. And so I, in that case, I fully refunded her money. I said, I think we should stop here. I gave her kind of the opportunity to elect to do date coaching, and if we felt like we were able to move the needle, then I was happy to talk again about introductions. But it's so personal. To people and it's so sensitive that it's really not in their best interest for me to continue to take someone on who I don't think I can be successful with. And that includes how they're showing up, right? And it's definitely like a thin line I have to thread sometimes, especially if someone's not paid me. How much feedback do I give as to why it's probably not a good match? Not everyone I think wants that feedback, but it's really lovely. A lot of my matchmaking clients are in it, in part because they want to uncover blind spots. So the goal that we can do that for them and we can correct any behavior we need to, and we can try to keep trucking forward. But yeah, there's totally folks who come to me, they pay me and they're just not the best fit for matchmaking and maybe I don't feel the best about sending them
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:Oh, that's interesting. So what does emotional readiness look like and how do you support the clients that are still healing or entangled in their past relationships? Do you say? Like in that initial interview, it sounds like you're still hung up on your ex. Why don't you just talk to me again in 30 days or 70 days or whatever it is. How do you even, before they even pay you, get them to that point where you feel like they're emotionally ready to step into a relationship?
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:It's tough because and this is something that I observed like years ago with matchmaking, but there's a gap sometimes between people will sometimes say this thing to me where they're like, I really want someone who's honest, but we have to be self-aware in order to be honest. And as a matchmaker, I'm trying to think about how to ask people questions. Not directly, not are you ready for a relationship? Because people aren't probably gonna be the best at answering that question. I think it's more me trying to ask questions that might act as a good proxy. So that could be, talk to me a little bit about the lessons and takeaways from your most recent relationship. I'm gonna hear some stuff in that about how they're narrating it, about how they're moving through it emotionally. About the language that they're using, it's gonna inform a lot. Or even things like, if you fell in love with someone tomorrow, what would it look like from there? Talk to me month or two months, three months, year, how do you build that relationship? What does that progress look like? And it's tricky. I think I am, I'm often trying to figure out how to almost get through the weeds a little bit because it's not that people aren't trustworthy, it's just that people aren't always the best narrators for their own emotional experience, especially when it comes to dating. It's so muddying of the waters that makes so much sense to me. But yeah, I think there's a little piece of me that like takes what people say about emotional readiness with a grain of salt. And it's also why matchmaking memberships typically are six months because there's like a trial and error, there's a getting to know you, there's a momentum gathering. And so I think there's a bit of that too where it's let's test some things and then let's get feedback and reevaluate and see where we are where we're at.
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:Okay. So it just made me think of, and feel free to share or not, but what is like the wildest first date story you ever heard or that happened with your matchmaking?
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:I have a couple that are coming to mind. It's almost like the brand of weird, there was one in particular that was like a bit of I wasn't the matchmaker, but I was on the team and it became like a bit of a story that we would share when we hired new people to break them in and tell them the job definitely is not boring. We had this man in New York who was very financially. Comfortable. He came from a really well to do family, and quite frankly, by all regards, was like a total catch, like over six feet tall, super handsome. Did work that he was passionate about, had more money than he knew what to do with. We find him a lovely woman. She goes on the date, super excited, comes back from the date we call her, and she is basically I would never see this person again. And we were like, we'd love to better understand that. She said that he had a pet chinchilla that had its own wing in his apartment. It had 24 hour care,
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:Oh my gosh.
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:like a nanny who lived with him. And the part that really threw her was he insinuated that he. I don't even know how to say this. Like the chinchilla in him, like the chinchilla would like masturbate on him, and he said it was like a way for them to bond and for the chinchilla to get a release and for a matchmaker to be sitting in a conversation where this woman is explaining that our client first has a wing in his house for his pet chinchilla, which he did not mention, but two, that on a first date he thought it'd be appropriate to tell her. Yeah. Sometimes he humps me and I, I think it's good for our report. It's, yeah, it's one of those things that you just close the laptop afterwards, take a few deep breaths and go, what do we do? How do we feed that one back to him and adjust that behavior? And
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:who got to call him and say, dude, we have to release you from our care.
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:That's his matchmaker's job. That was her job. She had the rapport built. But it's such a funky thing, especially'cause he did not get it. I think it'd be one thing if we came to him and we were like, this was definitely not appropriate for a state conversation. And he was like, then she is not a woman, the woman for me. I need a woman who's gonna understand this about me. And sometimes there's things that we could never think to screen for that lay, lay beneath the surface.
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:Cause that's basically like bestiality,
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:And it was framed as I'm just a really good pet dad and I love my pet. And it's maybe not on the first date. How about that? Maybe not the first time she's meeting you. Do we share that?
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:God, I don't even know. In what world is that I don't know. I'm just, I don't have that kinda relationship with pets,
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:To hear that.
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:I just, I don't know. I just don't know how I would react to that. I've had some weird first states, but I think probably what. I don't know. I don't even know what I would do if someone said something like that to me. Do you run, do you like, how can I get out of this house fast enough kind of thing. And then the fact that she had to share it with you, like that must have been painful in and of itself.
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:Yeah.
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:I was subjected to. I don't know how to tell you guys this, but like this is what happened, or the expectations, that you have going on a first date with somebody, there's just so many stories around, or feelings around what a first date is supposed to look like, right? For me it's always, this is just a friendship sort of thing. It's not even a date to me. The first time I meet somebody, because I don't even know if I like you. But I was like thinking to myself when I was getting ready for our call today, and specifically around being queer and being a lesbian, where, I don't use that word queer, but I don't even think I would be attracted, not attracted, but be attractive to queer people because I'm such a die hard lesbian,
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:that's interesting.
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:in that, and that's what I kept thinking about. And I was like, okay even if I said, okay, I'm open to dating queer people, they're not gonna like me anyway. And I can't say 100%, but in the way that I think about presenting as a lesbian, like I'm a feminist, I'm a lesbian. I'm very right wing. I'm very much about taking care of other people. And not in a selfish sort of way do I take care of myself, but I still am very forward facing about, I need my own time, I need my quiet time. I like to do things on my own. I like to go hiking on my own. I like to take myself to movies and out to dinner and things like this. And I never want that to be a place of jealousy for my partners. But I do find that a lot of Gen X women. Find that threatening, so I'm like if I'm not attracted attractive to Gen Xers anymore, because I'm such an independent person, but I love to be with you. I want to hang out with you, but I definitely need all this space. But if I open up myself to somebody that's queer, they're gonna be like, no way.'cause you're so lesbian. I.
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:This is honestly really thought provoking for me because I've never thought of that, honestly. And it's not come up. I would say, again there's a political component for people who sometimes use the term queer, where there might be a question of, almost what values does she live by? Again, I think sometimes when they're using that word if for them it's capturing more than their sexuality, there's like a values association. And so some of those people might be screening for those things, but if you're, it's not usually a problem for them in that context, but it is, I think you are picking up on something and I'm trying to help us synthesize that. And I also think part of what you're acknowledging, and I've been thinking about this so much, is queer women have such a high standard for romance. That kind of U-Haul trope. Like we're gonna lock eyes and it's gonna be a soulmate connection and then I'm gonna glue myself onto you. And I have a few clients right now who are so practical and grounded and. Capable of being committed, loving, sensual partners. But the last thing they're gonna do is fall in love on a first date. It's not in their genetic makeup. That's just not them. And it's been tricky for them to navigate because they almost get brushed off. So it's almost like they're judged on first date version of themselves, as if that's representative of who they are in a relationship, whereas they would, that's just not even the energy that they'd come to that date with. And I'm, it is, it's been really interesting. It's like there's this other kind of on the opposite side, this group of lesbians who so chemistry focused. Like really it's an intuitive connection. It's about the chemistry. If I don't feel it, I'm not gonna go on another date. And I think women in particular, like we have a really high standard for romance. We want that ooey, gooey, warm, loving, sweet me off my feet relationship. But like an exciting first state says nothing about long-term compatibility. It says nothing about how that person even shows up as a partner.'cause people can be excellent daters, but terrible partners. And so I find people who are a little bit more, almost like intentional and measured like you are. They sometimes get written off by people who are more, more maybe in that emotional body and dating from that emotional space. And definitely have observed that there's like a group of queer lesbian women who are just more considerate, measured, careful, thoughtful. And sometimes that means slower. And it's like they get written off sometimes, which is interesting,
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:Yeah. Especially when you get to being Gen X and I always call it chapters of your life, right? We have so many chapters of our life at this point. And to get to know me is gonna take you a lot longer than it would take you to get to know someone in their twenties, in their thirties. So when. If you expect that I would automatically fall in love with you or that, this first date is gonna end up into five dates, and then we're gonna decide after that. It doesn't necessarily mean that because, I mean you can barely scratch the surface on the first meeting with somebody. But on the same hand, when you meet someone that you know, oh my God, I'm gonna be friends with this person. Like it's at some function that you're at and you sit down and you get seated next to them and you exchange numbers and you have such a good time getting to know these people. Then I think that's what I think romance looks like. It's that instant friendship sort of thing. There's something that speaks to my soul in you that we can be friends and if it grows into something else amazing. But most of the time when I meet people, they're straight anyway, so they're not even on my radar. But on top of that I feel like I'm very cautious when I go into situations where I think somebody might want to date me because I don't want like this super deep relationship right away. I want this super firecracker friendship to start with. Which.
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:Absolutely. I, you know what's funny about this is like folks who think more like you. It might take them a bit longer, but they probably will have more relationship success, I think, long term in those dynamics versus there's a certain kind of person who I totally understand and sometimes they, things work out great for them, but it's almost like it's really easy for them to fall in love. If the right moment is there and the person's ready to commit. It doesn't take that same length of time. Like they're, they can jump two feet in and some of those people might be on more of a rollercoaster ride. So I imagine yours is less rollercoaster because you are more intentional and cautious versus, there's some people, I'm gonna say people, but it is often women. I think in particular, we can date from this really like in the emotional body space and there's a lot of lesbian gay women. I think women in general, and I think people in general who earnestly believe I will know at the snap of a fingers if this person is a match for me or not. It's really hard to work against that. So if they go on a date with you and you guys had a wonderful time, but there weren't fireworks, it's not enough for them to go for date two, which I think is a shame.'cause often those people will be very keen to give that sparky firey person second, third, fourth chances even when they show up inconsistently, unreliably or displaying and avoid an attachment style. So it's interesting. I think we're often give more grace to people who we have that intense connection with versus making decisions from a place of, oh, this person's really showing up in a way that could be a sign that they're a good partner. And I endorse your method. I think your method is the better method. Yeah.
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:But what about the sex part? So they get to this point and when are you saying when not to have sex or when to have sex? Are they asking you like, should we have sex on our third date? Should we have sex on our fifth date? And then after they have sex and they come back and they're like, oh my God, it was the worst sex ever. Or was best sex ever, but I could never date them because X, y, z. What does that look like?
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:Oh my goodness. Yeah. And sex is so personal. I had this conversation with a client recently where she really wants a committed relationship and she finds herself often in these like quick, fast, hot and heavy ships. And she was on this whirlwind European trip and she met someone and she was like, I really wanna sleep with'em. And I just said to her. It's up to you. If that is exciting and feels good for you, and it's what will light you up and you'll feel good about it afterwards, great. I don't think this person's gonna be your partner. So I would make that choice from that place of understanding that like, it's not going to be a tool to get closer to them. It's not gonna unlock some vulnerable side of them. This person has not demonstrated relationship readiness if you wanna sleep with them for funsies. I'm all supportive of what works well for you. I think the big thing that I try to bring clients to is like the emotional risk. So if you can do this and earnestly go have your little friends with benefits moment and have fun and come away and feel empowered and confident in that, fantastic. That's not usually people's takeaway, right? Like I think often. Sex and intimacy can be inherently very vulnerable to put ourselves in that bucket with someone, we come away feeling really exposed. And yeah, there's like a nexus point for me where I'm like, what's the, almost like the benefit versus cost analysis. Like what's the risk that you're exposing yourself here too.'cause it could be really fun, but you could also get your heart broken. And so let's talk about that.'cause it might kick you back six weeks, two months,
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:so after they go on the first date and say they had, didn't have sex on the first date, and do they call you and, I know you guys have a conversation afterwards to see how it went, but then if they say what they wanna have the next date and they do wanna have sex with the person, are you guys talking about like testing and all that kinda stuff? Or is that just between the people? Or are you guys like advocating for get tested, slow it down a little bit, kind of thing.
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:This is a re these are really good questions. I think it's interesting'cause now that I'm reflecting, I think my clients are not usually coming to me to parcel through some of the sexual intimacy stuff. I think a lot of what they come to me about is the decision making around building relationships. If I had a client, which I have had sleep with someone early on, it's, I'm not gonna criticize them at the front. I may ask some questions about their motivations for doing it. How do they see this? What's the outcome for them? What are they hoping for? It's more like if. They're telling me I'm doing this full chest, it's what I wanna do. I, my job is to be a support in some ways.'cause everyone is gonna be the best expert on themselves. But then when they come back, I think it's important, if it's not been a good experience, that we don't let that go to waste. So let's have a conversation about it. So we made the choice to sleep with this person. I maybe had some yellow flags I was raising. I wasn't really sure about it. You were really adamant that you wanted to do this and now we're back at the table and you're not feeling good. So can we try to just center this if this comes up for you again, maybe this has been a pattern we've observed. I think a lot of what I try to do is. Just shed the light, like say, this is what I'm observing. What do we think about it? And just loop them into my observations. And then there's an element to which they've gotta make their own choices, right? Because some people are like, I think especially with dating, like we can have a lot of limiting beliefs. We can have a lot of strong opinions. And so it's not to say I don't challenge folks, but I think there's almost if we're all looking at the same picture and you agree there's risk here and you wanna do it, babe, sign on. Good luck. And come back to me and feedback how that exactly, ed, come let me know. And yeah. So it's a tough, it's a tough choice. It definitely comes with risk.
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:Yeah. So how often do you have people say after the fifth date, say, oh my God, I have to move in with this person. I wanna pop the question. That sort of thing. Is that getting more frequent as people post COVID have hunkered down that want, that sort of thing? Because I feel when I was dating pre COVID that, and I really haven't dated post COVID except for one person consistently, but I haven't, dated her in two years, but. That pre COVID, it was a lot more like the old days for lesbians. Like we could go into the bar where lesbians hung out and we could, casually hook up, make out whatever it was, and it was fine. And people weren't necessarily coupling up. But it seems like now either we are perpetually single or everyone is coupled up. There's not a lot of like casual dating anymore.
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:I think there was something with COVID where it almost was like everyone was on the hamster wheel and then we were thrown off the hamster wheel, which means we're all gonna reflect a lot about what we've been doing. And I think a lot of people felt lonely. And it might be the case that if someone's a little bit lonelier, if they had this period of time of increased, almost forced reflection that they might be dating from a different place. So maybe it feels a little bit more like a deficit. So maybe it feels a little bit more like a loss that I don't have a partner. I had to sit in an apartment for three years by myself and I really felt that, that I was alone. And so I think that shifted things a little bit emotionally, where people were maybe a little bit more comfy, being single. I think COVID really threw a spotlight on if you take away going to dinner every night with your friends, if you take away the sort of fun nightlife, what are you left with? And for a lot of people it was like a small apartment and a job that yeah, paid well, but really wasn't that exciting to them. And I think people, there's been also like a shift in the priority. Like I think people prioritize relationships in a way that maybe they didn't. And that might be part of it. And again, I'm generalizing'cause this is such a nuanced thing, but a bummer to hear that you're saying there's less nuance for you guys.'cause I think that's a fun place to be, is in that little gray area. And yeah. I wonder what that is. Honestly, I'm curious, like if it does have to do with a shift in nightlife spaces post COVID, if it has to do with some of how people are thinking and feeling about being single. I don't know. I don't know.
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:Yeah, it is really interesting'cause we have someone here in LA that's gonna be a guest in a couple weeks and she runs a night called Damn Good Dyke Nights and it's amazing. And she has a night called Hot Flash, which is like 30 to 40, but then she has one called Hotter Flash and it's for people 40 and over. And so I've gone and for 40 and over obviously, and actually I think I went one time for the 30 and Over Be because it was before she started Hot Earth Flash that she saw that there was definitely, a gap in a space that she needed to fill for that, especially over 50 age range. But it still doesn't feel like the days. Before COVID, it doesn't feel like the early two thousands or even the mid two thousands when you walked in and you knew that every girl in there was one, a girl, two. A lesbian, and it, I don't know if it takes a lot of Gen Xers aback a bit, right? When you're going into a space and you're trying to reignite those sort of flames on that care free just like, how many people did you make out tonight with that used to be like a thing, and you might get a little bit of a cold sore or something like that, but like nothing was happening, right? Not bad things were happening to you and people weren't falling in love and it was just so much freer and amazing and she's doing this amazing job with this hotter flash and all the things that they're doing here and in New York apparently. But how do we look at even those sorts of opportunities to meet people where people are still really holding back the reins on being free again. Where does that free love space come back? And even though we were children of the sixties and the early seventies, we saw that right. Unconsciously. We saw all of that, but it almost feels like we're like from the fifties, people are so much more reserved.
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:Do you think, and I'm asking this kind of out loud, that when COVID happened, there became a switch in how we date and how we socialize, where it became an increased reliance on things like apps. Like I feel like we're all much more on our phones now as a means of connecting. Do you think it could be the case that it almost like the muscle that we were using to be ballsy and approach women in bars, do you think that atrophied, could that maybe be it?
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:It's almost like we're teenagers again. We're afraid to go and talk to them. We're afraid to do this. We're, afraid to do that, and it's a bummer, because,
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:Yeah.
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:Especially, I didn't even get my first phone until. I don't know, 2004, maybe 2005. And so it's only been 20 years since I've had a phone on me. And at the beginning it was like, you didn't give out your cell phone number to people unless you knew them, because this was like a very private thing. And now it's completely different. Like people use it for their business and all these other kinds of things. I still continue to have a phone that's for work and a phone that's for personal. When I'm not working, I don't want, messages and things like that coming up to me. So yeah, I think that the muscle definitely freaked out a lot, it's i'm allowed to do that sort of thing. And the me too and consent, right? Because unfortunately, myself included, did some not very cool things on dance floors and things like that, that if someone's to come back at me, I would probably be in a significant amount of trouble. Even though it was consensual, it wasn't appropriate, right? And now it would be way less appropriate. But at the time it was still fun and funny.
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:Yeah, a lot of what you're saying, I think about there's definitely some discourse around, like the youngest generation has so much fear around being perceived because so much of their life is online and they're seeing how people are critiqued online. So there's a real sense that like the younger generation is scared to put themselves out there and be vulnerable and we were so much more comfy, being embarrassing, like when you look back we were so much more risk taking I think. And I think the younger generation, and maybe this is like a sort of sign of just where culture is shifting. It's almost like there is an increased, I think policing, right? So there's a lot more criticism in the community about what behavior's good and what behavior's bad. I think some of that's helpful and progressive and I think some of it can make people feel like they're scared to make the wrong move. And again, that might mean I'm less proactive and I'm more risk adverse. I'm really curious how much of this is influenced by phones and technology and that combined with this increased kind of changing L-G-B-T-Q landscape where there's a feeling of, yeah, it's almost like it's a funky thing where it's almost like we've tried to create more fluidity, but then there's also a sense that I could do a lot more wrong.
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:When people are filming people constantly, right? Like you might see two girls, it's really hot on the dance floor, and then one starts getting really crazy that goes up on their Instagram that night, and you're just like, that's my private space, and that may be why people are so much different than they were, before cOVID, because also Instagram blew up during that time too. Like really? And TikTok came out. I don't have TikTok, but those sorts of. Private spaces, right? Where you think you're safe around your lesbian friends and things like that. But people are, taking videos or taking pictures and they're sharing it with other people, and you're like, damn, I don't have any privacy. I can't act like my normal self anymore because somebody's gonna, get their jolly off of it. Or just think it's funny and post it somewhere and it's not appropriate,
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:yeah, I forget which actor,, I think it was like Julia Roberts or someone was talking about how like Manhattan was so different before phones because celebrities didn't feel like they were constantly gonna have someone catch them in the act of something. Whereas once phones were introduced, there was a sense that if I just go get a drink at a bar, it's not just the paparazzi I'm running from anymore. And so I almost feel like maybe some of that's applied to the general public where it's like. You used to be able to go out and exist in this completely separate container from your own life and maybe experiment with different versions of yourselves and then come back and it felt, I think, a little bit more like a completely, like a whole new world or a whole separate thing, whereas now I think it feels closer to surface and I think there is some concern about yeah just the fear of being perceived and it's not necessarily perceived in the room. It could be in a wider sense like you're describing I was filmed without my consent and now something I did half drunk in a club, which I wouldn't do, Monday morning at 9:00 AM is being broadcast or whatever the case. It's a really funky time to date I think. And it's interesting. Queer women and lesbians always preferred meeting through our social networks. And so I think there's something about that with how we interact with apps too, or we'd really prefer to have a friend introduce us. I think that's always gonna be our preferred
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:Yeah, for sure. Because then at least the person knows them, knows you a little bit, right? There's sort of a safety place, but I don't know. I think that. Going back to the phones. When you think about all the different clubs now, like the private clubs especially that ban phones. When you bring in a guest, your guest can't use their phone. You can use your phone, but you have a certain, rights and responsibilities to live up to, or they kick you out of the club, but you bring your guest, the guest has to present their phone. They take your phone from you, and they put these two stickers over it. So if you were to bring your phone out, everyone knows you're a member or you're not a member anyway, but they now know for sure that you're not a member because there's a sticker on the front of your phone and on the back of your phone so that you can take photos, videos, everything you say is hearsay, right? Like before, oh, I sat lunch. I had lunch next to Bruce Springsteen today. Oh, you did? Where's the photo? You can't take photos at this club, so I can't, I can't tell you that, but it is an interesting time, and especially because the phones just keep getting better. Better cameras and all that kind of stuff. But let's go back to cultural patterns, like U-Haul jokes hook up culture among gay men, the fluidity among younger queer folks that you account for in your coaching. What role in community do say bars, events still play in compared to apps?
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:That's a great question. I think I'm gonna answer this by saying I think if you're, I someone in the L-G-B-T-Q community who does not drink or has no interest in light nightlife, it's tough. It's tough for you. I think for whatever reason, a lot of the spaces available to us are in clubs or are in bars. It's really. The secondary, like outside of the apps, which are just so ubiquitous and accessible and free that most people have tried them. It's the only other thing I think a lot of people can do. If they're feeling like, I really wanna go out there and I wanna meet someone it's gonna be the first place they go. And I think it's, it presents a real challenge for my clients who are sober. If you're a sober person, it's not to say you can't go out and dance, but it could be the case that environment's just not your thing. And I think there's only so many queer book reading clubs or queer hiking clubs. Like I think the club and bar space is almost like essential to our culture. I would love to see us expand a little bit beyond that. I think it would be good for us to have other spaces too.
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:And la we're lucky because there's. A lot more things opening up again for women. Women's spaces like game nights, you either bring your own game or you come and you use their games and it's in a coffee shop. They don't even serve alcohol in some of these places or like I said, Anna, their events, they're doing a lot of daytime events, so it's on a Sunday afternoon because you know the place is available and it closes before it reopens for the nightlife and things like that. But just the other day there was I think it was a bar in San Francisco was at, or maybe Seattle was advertising for a shot girl. And it was a lesbian club. And I said, why don't you guys, just as a comment, why don't you guys offer like wellness shots too to those of us that don't need to drink like that? I'm like, I'm good with one, maybe two drinks, but most of the time, one or none, especially if you're a designated driver, because not everyone now can afford Uber anymore. Uber is so expensive. It's three drinks is an Uber, so it's okay, somebody drive us because it's so expensive and they said that's what Erwan is for, or Juicery or something like that. And I was like think about, there's other people that wanna come to these things that don't want to be negated, right? I don't wanna drink a Shirley Temple or an Arnold Palmer all night. I would like a wellness shot. Give me some juice of some sort that, or even a recovery shot for some people that have started get to that point where, they're gonna need recovery the next day. But how do you support L-G-B-T-Q clients in smaller towns and cities?
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:They really face I think, a unique challenge and par particularly if they're somewhere that's conservative, it's almost like a question of how do we do this and how do we also keep them safe? I think that for those folks it's really difficult if they're not open to online. If you are in Wisconsin and you're a lesbian and you're not open to relocating, but you really don't like the apps, we've got limited options for you for sure. And that's just, I think the reality of their situation. It's the volume of people who are L-G-B-T-Q around them is gonna be lower, and it's gonna be less visible. And I think those people are exactly the kind of people who need to try to get comfortable on the apps. And I know it is a necessary evil a lot of the time. I don't wanna make it seem like there's not an alternative'cause I think there are, but it is just the case that any L-G-B-T-Q person in that city it's free and it's there for you. I think outside of that, there's some of what I do with my clients isn't even about reinventing the wheel. It's optimizing the tools that we currently have. So maybe you're in Wisconsin, you've been on her, but you're not getting a lot of traction. Instead of us trying to figure out where we could drudge up a bunch of lesbians for you, why don't we focus on what pictures you're using? Why don't we focus on what language you're using in the app? How are you describing yourself? How are you interacting? Because at this point it's almost about optimizing the chances that we do have trying to really create more success from the few opportunities that are available. And it's hard. It's really hard. I had one person who literally came to me. They were in I think literally like Missouri or something, and they said something like, I'm moving to Boston in nine months. And I basically said, listen babe, my advice is you start gearing up for Boston. I was like, I would get real pumped about that, and start thinking
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:Lose that extra five. Whiten your teeth. Get your hair cut. Be ready.
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:yeah, get yourself some good outfits. Look into the bars, make a little vacation PowerPoint for yourself, however you wanna do it. But at that point, it's almost yeah, your odds are so much better in a major city. And so it's hard. I wish I had a better answer for people in small towns, I really do.
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:Yeah, I can imagine. It's still hard enough here in la and when you are looking on the apps, and there's so many Bicurious people, those are the people that scare me, because those are the people that I feel like are the most emotionally available, which attracts lesbians, right? They're sexually available, they're emotionally available. It's new to them, so they're very teasey and all these sorts of things, but it's such a dangerous, and slippery slope. It's I don't wanna train you, but. Nothing else is working right now, so why not? But then you end up getting just slaughtered, I imagine. I have no idea because I'm not partaking in that. When I think about those sorts of situations, I'm like, wow, that could really destroy somebody, and it destroys marriages. She says that. He says it's okay, but in reality, when she falls in love with you, then he's not okay with it anymore.
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:Oh, man, that's a whole bunch of complicated. Yeah, I think that's why I brought up earlier, there's been a lot of conversation recently online about is it biphobic to be lesbian, for lesbian to have a preference for dating other lesbians. And I will tell you, I think Biphobia is like a real thing that these people often have to encounter. And it's so tricky. I have some clients with me who are so obviously gay, there's no doubt in my mind, and yet still they come across a hurdle because of the label that they use. Even if they're just as capable of showing up. Where I do feel like there's a lot of good conversation to have and for us to all just bring awareness to is particularly folks who do have less lived experience. Because I think, and this is something I can speak to personally. You can feel really queer inside or gay inside. You can have all sorts of fantasies about women. If you're not out at work and you've not come out to your parents and you have a husband at home. We are operating from totally different worldviews and in fact, the amount of privilege that you have comparatively, creates like an uneven playing field. And I think what's really tough is because by women experience so much genuine, unfair biphobia, there's a defensiveness around that, where then lesbian women might say and I'm saying this as someone who like really was humbled by it. I thought I was out. But you don't know what it's like to have to tell your boss. And that is a difference. It's it changes things and. I've noticed it politically, like the way that I sit in today's political context as someone who's engaged to a woman where these policies are affecting me in a real sense, in a really real sense. You may be bisexual and queer, but if you do have almost like a, and I don't wanna call it this, but like a fallback plan where it would, you could maybe end up with a man and not have to just confront some of the realities that we do. I think it's okay for us to talk about that and for lesbians to say, what do you think about this? The fact that maybe you haven't gone through this experience and if we were to get more serious, I would be in that bucket with you. And I think it's normal for people to maybe have some internal conflict. Like I think a lot of women in particular are really gaslight themselves about how gay they are. I think that it's really normal for women who have. Gay feelings or queer feelings to brush that off is all women are pretty. And so for me, it's like I really wanna support people and using whatever label's best for them and for them to really figure themselves out. And it's tough because there's both this group of lesbians who are really affected by some of the confusion that bi women would go through, which I think, by the way, they would have their heart broken sometimes by a lesbian too, right? It's not specific to bi women, but it is a particular kind of pain. There's this group of bi women who experience a ton of biphobia. Sometimes it's completely unjustified. I wish we were all able to better meet in the middle on being able to talk about this.'cause I think we both share so much more in common than we do have that's different about us. And there's a lot of tension sometimes between these two groups and how to meet in the middle and how to support each other, but feel understood by each other and yeah, it's just a really interesting thing and I'm thinking about it all the time, I think how to make sure that lesbian women really feel safe without it just being a generalization on bi women.'cause quite frankly, there are a ton of bi women who could make incredible partners. They really could. It's not, there's there. I think that there's sometimes a trope that they're more promiscuous or easy or and that's really not always the case. It's a generalization, but it's tough. I think lesbians get their hearts broken by a lot of women who are curious or questioning. I had someone say to me recently that the first woman they hooked up with, they literally came away from this experience like, cloud nine in heaven, I'm a lesbian. And that woman said, this really just showed me I'm not into women
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:No, poor baby.
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:to heart, I just, and I think that's perfectly fair to say that was heartbreaking and devastating and I'd like to avoid it in the future, and yeah. Yeah,
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:Oh, that is horrible. I can't.
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:literally while they were still in bed, like literally rolled over and she was like, huh, I guess I'm not into women.
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:my God. No I feel like I've had the opposite. I'm like looking at them going, don't say it. Don't say it. Do not say you love me. Do not say you're falling in love. Please don't. Just don't say it. So let's wrap up'cause we're getting to the end of time and I know you have other things on your calendar today. So what does dating consciously look like when you are telling people to be present and to be aware of what they're getting themselves into? What does that actually look like?
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:I think there's an element of incorporating almost like a mindfulness practice. So there's an observation of the internal experience. There's a naming of what's working for us and a naming of what's not working for us, and I think it's really about rooting into where you're making your decisions from. So it's not to say if you get super, super excited about someone. And they're showing red flags. It's like we, we choose how to make ch I'm trying to think about how to say this succinctly. We, I think it's really important that we root into making choices from a place of what's best for us and using the emotional experience, that intuitive experience as like information, but maybe not the driving force. And so by that it's great you had a really exciting first date with this person, but they've been really spotty with communication. Let's call that out. Let's think about it. How much bandwidth do you have to maybe take that risk? How motivated are you to give them another shot given the first date was great, and then at least we're not just going in on autopilot. So it's more a conscious decision and intentional decision where we're thinking about why we're making that choice, what the potential risks are. And I think a lot of people are just going from the gut. And so it's really trying to bring them into, let's talk about what's happening around this or why maybe you're called to this decision and if it's a good decision from you. And then if we wanna go ahead and do that, I'll endorse it and support it.
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:Oh, that's awesome. Good. I'm glad we know. So one last, very last question. Can you share a success story that broke stereotypes and reminded you why you work in matchmaking?
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:I had a client who was in their seventies. Who was the longest client I had. And this was someone who so desperately wanted a relationship, but honestly had a lot of trauma. And I think that trauma meant that the way that they showed up on dates was really attention seeking. So there was a lot of me talk, a lot of bolstering oneself. And I remember early on whether someone literally said to me, this person's too old to change. They're not gonna, they're, it's almost can't teach a old dog new tricks sort of thing. And that person just bought a house after five years of matchmaking with me, just bought a house with the person that they last met.
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:Oh,
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:And I think. Yeah, and I think it was such a testament to the fact that one hurt people can heal.'cause there was a huge healing journey in there. That even if you're hurt and traumatized, you are absolutely lovable. And also that like people can change. Like people can absolutely change. And I think especially when presented with new information, confronted with new evidence, there's only so many times you can get certain date feedback before you're either gonna make a choice to incorporate that feedback and do something different or, basically commit to just being who you are. And this person really showed up and took them a long time. It took them a few years, but it's completely paid off and it's one of the best success stories for me because of the arc that we took
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:Oh, that's amazing. Congratulations on that.
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:Thank you. Thank you. I'm so happy for them.
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:I'm so happy for them too. Like it makes me think about if my father passes away, in the next couple of years and my mom is still vibrant enough to date that I would want her to be able to find somebody else in her, late seventies, very early eighties to live out, those final few years and just have fun and have somebody to, I don't know, run to the store for you or what have you thing. But where can people find you?
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:So people can find me@queerconsciousconnections.com, and then I'm also on Instagram at your dating copilot.
quincy--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:dating copilot. Very cute. What I love about Elisa's work queer conscious connections isn't that it's about perfect matches on paper. It's about creating space for lesbians and others to honor who they are, what they want, and how they love queer love, lesbian love, gay love. None of it is the shadow of straight love. Each is its own language, its own culture, and its own beauty. And when we date consciously, we don't just find partners, we find freedom. So whether you're a lesbian, gay, bi, trans, or still unfolding into your truth, know this, your love story matters and claiming it's one of the most powerful things you can ever do. Thanks for coming on.
elise-braunschweiger--she-her-_2_09-25-2025_112240:Thanks so much for having me.
